Monday, August 18, 2014

The Titleist Method to Combat a Hangover

"Drinking is just borrowing happiness from the next day"

You may or may not know this about me: I like to drink the adult beverage while raiding. Some dudes like to tie one off while on a bowling league, others on a golf league. I prefer to get my recreation and recreational boozing in with the nerd league. UNFORTUNATELY we raid on Wednesday and Thursday - during the week. This means on occasion I'll over do it and have the morning after to deal with. This is my method for dealing with the dreaded hang over. If you can remember these steps while you are drunkenly fist pumping to Enya, it might just save your ass.

What is a HANGOVER?

Scientifically it's dehydration, electrolyte imbalance, acetaldehyde (toxin created from your liver processing alcohol), and low blood glucose. In layman terms it's your body telling you that "ya done fucked up son". While prevention is the only way to avoid a hangover, you can take steps to lessen the blow and help your body recover faster. Let me be clear, if you drink too much you will get a hangover and there is no golden cure.

Booze will make you forget what you are about to read. IF ANYTHING remember the short bullet points at the end of each section. Hell, write it on a sticky note and leave it on your nightstand before you go out. You'll thank me later.

Combat Stage One

So you are about to pass out for the night. You may or may not have just ate 50 dollars worth of Taco judgments here. Right now you are intoxicated and unable to retain water - thus the dehydration. Regardless of that fact, stage one is to drink one 20oz bottle of water. You can drink more water, however I've found that I'll be waking up a full bladder way before I want to. With that take a multivitamin of your choosing. It can be a regular Centrium multivitamin, a Flintstones chewable or even a god damn vita-gummy, doesn't matter. Because of the delicious diuretic flowing through your veins, you probably noticed that you visited the bathroom many times today. With that you essentially pissed away much of your needed vitamins and minerals. Popping that vitamin now will put you on the road to recovery and let's you put your best foot forward into your hangover.


  • Drink 20oz of water (or more) before bed
  • Take a multivitamin with the water


  • Do not take Tylenol or Motrin while drunk. This can damage your liver and let's face it, you're gonna need that.
  • Drinking too much water. You don't want to piss yourself or have to get up earlier than your alarm is set for.
  • Avoid sports drinks. The sugar can not play well in your tummy and well yeah....pukeville.

Combat Stage Two

This is by far the hardest stage of the recovery process. It will suck but will suck MUCH more if you don't do it. So what time do you have to wake up? Let's say for this example you work at 9AM, and get up at 8AM. First of all, what the hell are you doing getting all drunk the night before? Seriously? Ok, ok, I'm guilty of it as well so no more lectures. Set your alarm for 60-90 minutes before you have to wake up. Using our example, set your alarm for 7AM and make sure it's set to the loudest most annoying tone it can generate. I know it sounds crazy but there is some method in here.......When that alarm goes off that shit is gonna hurt and I mean bad. First thing, set your alarm for your normal time - in this case 8AM. Now, visit the bathroom and take a piss but honestly that's not going to be hard to remember. After that drink 20-40 oz of water. I normally leave a bottle on my nightstand to be prepared. With that water take 400mg of Motrin or 500mg of Tylenol. Go back to bed.


  • Wake up an hour early
  • Slam a few bottles of water
  • Take painkillers
  • Go back to bed


  • Don't overdo the painkillers. They CAN be hard on your stomach if you max the dosage. The dosages I've listed are half the max and will still work for our needs yet not upset your tum-tum.

Combat Stage Three

Your alarm has just gone those eyes eh? eh? Not bad. Not great but you will be functioning. Congratulations, you now fully understand the phrase "functioning alcoholic" but that's okay because fuck it YOLO! While you slept for that last hour, the water has worked its way into your system, lessening the dehydration that can cause headache and fatigue. Those painkillers have also had a chance to kick in, further reducing any unpleasant pains you might be having. Take a fucking shower because you do honestly smell like booze. I highly recommend drinking electrolyte enhanced water (I drink SmartWater) to help replace those that you lost from urination. I much prefer those over sports drinks which contain other shit you don't need (like sugar and yellow #5). The rule of thumb is, if you are thirsty....drink. Keep on steadily drinking water until you feel like you are no longer thirsty. Drink that water in the shower, drink that water on your way to work, drink directly from your water cooler at work - when no one is looking.

Now some people swear by a greasy breakfast, hell I'm not about to pretend I don't enjoy that. The important thing is making sure your stomach is able to handle food without the dreaded upchuck. Once you are good to eat, I highly suggest EGGS. They contain a chemical called cysteine which will actually speed up the bodies ability to remove the acetaldehyde that is making your head feel like a steel drum. I normally get a big plate of scrambled eggs and 2-3 hard boiled eggs. Some hot sauce on those eggs will also help open up your pores and make you feel a bit refreshed - but only if you are into that kind of thing.


  • Drink electrolyte water (aka SmartWater)
  • EGGS are you best friends
  • If you can nap in the afternoon, do it!


  • Bananas, kiwi and other fruit - the sugar can upset your stomach and fuck with your blood sugar which is already taxed from all those Smirnoff Ice's you drank last night.
  • If your stomach is not feeling up to it, DON'T eat. You won't be doing anyone any favors.

You survived!

Remember, drinking like this is wholly not recommended. In fact, the DSM-IV basically just called you "alcohol dependent" so I guess that's a thing......If you use this guide ONCE or maybe TWICE then good for you. If you find yourself using this method on a weekly or daily might want to, you know, talk to someone about that. ;-) Prevention is the best method of avoiding a hangover so just take it easy when you can. When you've "done fucked up" enjoy my method to get you back on your feet save face from being a total bum.

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